Control

Remedying anything starts with knowing, so before we introduce the remedies, we are going to get acquainted with the problem of control.

Knowing the essentials to do with control, will help you more effectively apply the rememdies. However, if you would like to jump straight to the remedies Click here.

What is Control?

Let’s face it, people don’t usually like very controlling people. People tend to run from them. People who are controlling clash often with people, it seems that they spend most of their life involved in clashes. The worst clashes are when one controlling person comes into contact with another controlling person.

This happens so often in life, because people in certain areas or even in a numerous number of areas have that tendency towards control.

But Isn't Control Necessary?

Certainly it is, and no one can deny this, to a degree, control over one’s environment is needed. For example, a judge in a law court must have a certain control over the proceedings in his or her court, a surgeon must be in control of the operating theatre, a general in the military must be in control of the forces assigned to him or her and a lecturer must have some control over his or her lecture room which includes the respect of the audience. If the control that I have mentioned is not present, disorder usually results and things don’t go and end well.

In the examples given respectively above: the wrong verdict may be arrived at, the surgery is a botch-up, lives are uselessly lost and there are a lot of disappointed listeners. In all these examples and in countless others, the control that a person has in such an environment and activity comes from a common understanding and respect from all those involved. For example, a surgeon has control because it is given out of respect for the surgeon’s skills and out of the understanding that the surgeon must be in control for the benefit of the patient, because they know well that it is essentially the skills of the surgeon that will help cure the patient.

What Makes a Person Controlling?

A controlling person is one that controls others over the ‘what is necessary’ limit, and this is due to vested egoical interests. A controlling person is also one that controls without commanding respect or has not won the trust and confidence of others yet to wield such command and control.

A controlling person has the tendencey to take control when it control has not been given or should not be taken.

Isn't to be Controlling to be Strong?

Certainly controlling people appear strong, but hiding behind their strong and in control appearance and behaviour, are believe it or not, weaknesses. In this case, the opposite applies, not the corresponding.

These weaknesses are many, and in general they are to do with fear, pride, attachment, jealousy, selfishness and in general, any strong egoical desire, it could even be gluttony for example that in its environment of eating can make a person very controlling, controlling for example what is to be prepared and in what quantities.

People who are typically very controlling are the ones who have a strong degree of egoical pride, fear, attachment, jealousy and selfishness.

The one who is being controlled appears weak, a ‘zero’, a ‘yes person’ and a ‘ninny’ ‘without a voice’ yet behind that façade there may well be certain strengths that a controlling person lacks. When mothers who are ‘control freaks’ see their children being controlled they suffer immensely, because they believe that “to not be in control is to not be a person”, yet their children are still people and perhaps stronger than we all think.

A Check to See if we are Controlling

Upon asking oursleves this question we may say that in some areas yes we are, and in some other areas no. To be cured of an illness, we first have to recognise that we have the illness. This is why it is good to ask oursleves this question: "Am I a Controlling Person?".

In general, where pride and fear are present there is the tendency to be controlling, that is the tendency to try and exert control over the circumstances and the proceedings of the event.

Indications that we are Controlling

The following list can give us a good indication if we are one or are at least very controlling or have the tendency to be one. That’s strange we can think that it is good to be controlling and we can be secretly proud of that because we feel to be more of a person.

Please note, anyone can be controlling, even the household cat can be very controlling and there are the so called 'control freaks' and then there are those that are subtly controlling, that use very subtle manipulative ways to control things, events and circumstances.

Why are People Controlling?

General

Pride is the big factor behind being a control freak as you can see from the above indications. There is really a lot behind it. What is behind it are certain needs that make controlling the next logical step, which is just really an effect of having those needs. People use control as a way to determine the outcome of events so that certain needs in us are met.

Fear

Fear is behind control in many instances. We think that we won't be able to cope if what we fear happens, we fear that the pain will be too much, and so we have to do whatever possible to stop that from happening. This could include changing circumstances, changing events, changing people’s minds, changing the impressions we give people, getting closer to people so they won’t reject us, moving: people, times, venues, changing agreed upon plans, modifying various details etc. etc. All because we really think that we won’t be able to cope with the situation that we fear.

Depending how radical we want to be we can in our questioning of fear go all the way to see what will happen to us if the worst thing that we fear were to happen. Once you see what will happen what about trying to accept that. Fear is always about the unacceptable, to end fear we have to make the unacceptable in us acceptable. Seeing three bad things about what we fear and three good things about we fear changes our attitude towards what we fear.

Pride

There is very often pride behind being controlling. It is there, in that deep down we can't accept that we are going to be second, and this is because we have become heavily dependent in our psychology on being first, we think that if we are not first we are no good at all, we feel that our whole existence depends on being first, but we are really something that is not first or second or any place, but only what we are.

Also pride thinks that to control is to be strong, but it is really weak, of course the same pride does not see this, becasue it itself is the weakness. The stronger an egoical element is in us the weaker we are. The more dependent we are. This is very clear to see observing a controlling person.

A controlling person is very narrow and so limited that he or she can only tolerate a small sliver of event unfoldings and if things differ from that, the controlling person melts down.

Controlling people veer from reality, because in reality everything happens and things always go wrong to some degree from big time wrong or slightly wrong.

Dealing with Controlling People

Recognise and Don't Feed a Controlling Person

To be awakened is to see what traits people have and from experience it is not too good to feed a ‘control freak’ because there will certainly come a time when you have to escape the control of a ‘control freak’ maybe only just once, but you will have to. And if the you have fed the ‘control freak’ for a long time they will get so very upset and make your life inconveniently difficult for a long time. But we were the blind turkey that did not see it coming.

That could even include ourselves, don’t feed the ‘control freak’ inside you. Give people freedom. Because if you don't my goodness, a day will come when you will be suffering and feeling hurt.

Unfortunate Fate of Controlling People

People in general don’t like to be micro-managed or put under the thumb of another, and so after a while a very controlling person often gets known for being inflexible, conflictive, demanding etc. and faces the fate of many with that trait, which is deliberate exclusion or displacement, that is not being told anything, and being 'left out of the loop'.

I have seen this happen so many times, one controlling person isolates another and then there is resentment, grudges and problems. Shortly afterwards the displaced controlling person changes tactics and the same happens all over again until the displaced controlling person retires with his or her tail between his or legs.

This is quite painful and hurts and is unfortunately the best medicine for the controlling person, this is the only way to help a controlling person realise that they actually are over controlling, and for the sake of harmony, unity, inclusion and to win back the trust of others, one must change one’s ways. Let go, surrender, let people be free, give, and if others take it good, if not continue to give, concentrate on what is our business which is ourselves and our inner life. We in some way or another are rewarded for what we freely offer (not imposed), even if it was not taken.

Escaping from the Control of Others

When someone breaks free from their control they are stunned for a while and then resentful and then depressed. They feel themselves to be unloved, unwanted, not needed, not useful and so they fall into a very low state.

They don't realise that they themselves always give themselves the whole spectrum of feelings, from the positive to the negative. When they are in control something inside them allows them to feel 'love' and when their control has been brushed aside they generate the feelings of not being wanted and not being useful etc.

Love and Control

Controlling people can fall into the condition of loving through Control

Conditioned Love

A controlling person 'loves' another when the other does what they say.

There are all kinds of controlling people, there are those that like to control the affection they receive, money, the cleaning of the house, what happens in the kitchen, and the list goes on. The interesting thing is to find out where we are controlling.

When it comes to love and friendship they can not control their love becasue it is conditioned.

Controlling People’s Hearts – Futile

A very tricky business is the subconscious desire to control the affection or even the heart of others.

I want to ask: “can we control the heart of another?”.

We feel that we can and we think we can, but real life shows us that we can’t. We can’t because we may have tried and what happened? It didn’t work and there was suffering and upset feelings for all.

Goal of the Desire to Control the Heart of Another

The desire and goal behind this control is “to occupy a place in the person’s heart”. We feel that we are not in their heart and so with the belief that we can actually control another person’s heart we start to do things that pressure the person and that are designed to make them happy so to like us or put us into their heart and that way we try to control or we go to the other side trying to make them feel guilty for not having us in their heart. “How cruel, cold, unfair and selfish that is” we say.

Drop the Goal

Once again imagine we drop this goal of wanting to be in their heart, and leave that to our and their Monad.

We can’t control the heart of another. Even the person his or herself can not control their very own heart to begin with, (we can’t control who we love and don’t love beyond the general love we feel for all essences). What if we did that, that is relate normally to the person and wait for the heart to speak or what we are wanting or waiting for to come to us, and if not we can’t do anything about it and maybe the other person can not do anything about it anyway.

Once again if we trust in our Being, and allow it to fix things and arrange things, and rest in that. IT is worth knowing that when there is a heart to heart relationship, there is a Monad to Monad relationship and so we can relax as the Monads or Beings are in control of that, not us we don’t have to control because they take care of it.

If we lose something the key is that: we only ever have in our life what we need. If we don’t have it anymore maybe it is because we don’t need it.

Conclusion

A controlling person has to stop making their point of reference in order to love another person that of 'being in control'. A different and liberating reference point is the happiness and freedom of both people in the relationship.

Control and Suffering

Trying to Control Can Lead to Suffering

There have certainly been some cases in our life where we end up quite happy because everything went our way, but we can’t guarantee that it will be that way in the future.

I think that any Gnostic would not want things to go their way because that is a tremendous weakness and it essentially means we are not open to the new and we are not open to the real and if that is the case how can we ever expect to embrace our Being when it is outside of our control and is the real in us and is of the real, the great reality.

We try to exert control in many areas of life. From trying to control external events to people’s hearts to the progress of our own path. Once again trying to control these areas and more, leaves us suffering.

Remedying Control Issues

There are really three time frames related to anger and annoyance. They are: the before, the during and the after. There are remedies to be applied in each time frame. The 'before' is the lead up to getting angry, the 'during' is when we are angry and the after is when we have already gotten angry.

For each of the rememdies to be effective we must have created for ourselves a foundation in the comprehension of anger. That is the best case scenario. If though we are lacking this base of comprehension we can still apply these remedies. The more you apply them the more they will work for you.

Common to All Remedies

Alert and Aware

The most important key to making any remedy work is to be alert and aware. Being alert and aware gives ourselves the precious time we need to apply the rememdies. If we are not alert there is no way that we can apply a remedy to being controlling, especially because the tendency to control can appear so quickly.

We have to know that we are becoming controling and we have to be aware that we need to apply a remedy and we have to apply it consciously. If we do nothing we will become controlling all over again!

Be Like Water and Trust

Sometimes we have to go with the flow of things and surrender to the flow of life coming from within us to help us to get through the event. Sometimes it is good to put the event in the hands in the flow of life and trust in the flow of life, in that it always flows to a place of balance and stability in the end.

Feel at peace, put yourself into the arms of the flow of life and say "may this event unfold according to the course that you wish for it to take." If it is painful, then it is for a good reason. Controlling people lack trust in life, others and in some degree, in themselves. Things are never as bad as we think that they are or will be.

We may become scared to see ourselves controlling others because it means there is a lack of adaptability and there is fear there, and that is a big weakness.

Controlling people have a hard time going with the flow of life within them, because they are always doing the will of their own mind and imposing their own will and not letting others fulfil the will of their own flow of life. Controlling people interfere with the will of others and the natural flow of life and that is not so good in the end. Becasue teh there is always a right moment for everything and controlling people often precipitate or miss the right moment and things just quite turn right when that happens.

If we are a controlling person it is because we are scared of being controlled. In truth we don’t have to worry about being controlled by others because no one controls us if we don’t want to be controlled. We don’t have to be controlling to prevent ourselves from being controlled.

One must also find out why one needs to be in control. One must search within for this answer.

No Control without a Goal

There can be no control without there being a goal of some kind. Whenever we control we certainly have a goal. This we may know and this we may not be fully aware of.

This point tells us that to eliminate control over this and that we have drop our goals or ideals or standards or narrow desires. That is the key, and at times it is ‘easier said than done”. But we can do it!

All the best with your efforts to rememdy control. With persistence you will remedy it totally! Constant work on our part is the magic bridge between our hopes and reality!